Moida on the High Seas

17 06 2013

Yo Boss,

I’m writin’ you dis here letter to let yous know that yous ain’t got nuttin’ to fear about those hits you sent me out on. I assures you that I got it all taken care of. And there ain’t no way their deaths are goin’  be pinned on yous or you’s organization. I is writin’ dis here letter to yous to ease your mind a bit about the circumstances of certain individual’s demise. And don’t yous worry none, boss, this is the only copy of dis here letter that is in existence and as yous know by now, I is sending it to yous via your cousin, Vincent, whose skill at courierin’ are better than none.

Now let me says to yous that I am in particular proud of the genius of my plan to off these goons ’cause I set it up so that there be no tracin’ the hit back to anyone. It will look like an accident, plain and simple. Mama told me keep it simple stupid and I ain’t stupid so I simplified things a bit and instead of performing four separate hits, I hit dem all at the same time.

I start dis here report wit Mr. Hinckley. Now, I understand dis fellow here done had dis comin’ for a long time as he was youn’s scoutmaster when yous was a young man and on account of him embarrassing yous during the earning of a particular scuba diving merit badge, yous wants him dead. Anyways, dis guy is a science teacher now, d’you believe dis? In my research, I hear this fella is also writin’ a book called Fun wit Ferns or some such drivel and so I’s thinks to myself, hey I can use dis to my advantage. So I called him up and got him believin’ I was the foremost botanistical expoit on ferns dere is. I got him convinced to come out to Honolulu so’s I can he’p him out a bit, yous catch my drift. Well, I got him to come out alright and I booked him on dis here charter boat that I will get back to in a second.

As for that broad, Ms. Grant who stabbed yous in the back during you’s attempted blackmail of her roommate Debbie Dawson, I tracked her down to some club in Waikiki where she was singin’. It didn’t take much for me to convince her that I was a casting agent trying to set her up with a director that would be on the same charter boat I booked the scoutmaster on. She fell for it hook, line and sinker.

The other broad, Ms. Summers, that clerk from that little general store in Winfield, Kansas that your nephew Horace was spurned by, I told her that she had won an all expense paid trip to Hawaii and then I booked her on the same charter boat. Yous gettin’ the picture, boss?

For the coup d’tat, I gots Mr. Howell, that millionaire that shilled you out of your investments in Denver, and his lovely wife convinced that they was takin’ this here charter boat out to meet an investor for some land deals on some secretive resort island off the coast of Hawaii. He ain’t the brightest bulb in the toolshed, if’n yous catch my drift, boss.

Anyways, so’s yous understand where I is goin’ wit dis, I got all of the dupes on the same charter boat. And dis here charter boat was first mated by none other than Skinny Mulligan’s childhood buddy. As yous know, me and dis here Irish kid Skinny go way back. Anyways, Skinny’s pal is none too smart and so it was easy for me’s to get on board and perform a little sabotage. For instance, I untied the rope on the anchor, messed up their navigational devices and pretty much ensured that they ain’t comin’ back no how.

So let’s me tell you’s a tale of dis here fateful trip startin’ from a tropic port on board dis here tiny ship. Despite the sailing expertise of the mate and the skill of the skipper, the five passengers you’s wanted offin’, only got a three hour tour. Yous see, the weather started gettin’ rough and the tiny ship was tossed about on the waves. According to the newsies report, dis here ship, the Minnow, was lost with all hands including the millionaire and his wife, the movie star, the professor and Mary Ann Summers.

Dis was by far the poifect crime, as yous can see boss. Dere ain’t no way dat yous will have to worry about these wiseguys no more.

Signed, Hitman Sherwood Jones




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