Letters To The Management

5 12 2011

January 28th, 2014

Dear sir,

I really do like your shampoo, and I swear I would use it even if you didn’t force me to every day. The fragrance of the stuff is somewhat nice, but I think I would prefer maybe a clover scented variety.  Oh, and definitely I like the tear-free children’s shampoo the best; it doesn’t burn my eyes like the fancy stuff.  What do you  put in there, ammonium laurel sulfate or something?  My little joke, you see I realize that it’s there to act as a surfactant, but c’mon, every one knows that ammonium is nasty stuff and who like the smell of sulfur?  I think maybe my ex-neighbor might, he always smelled a little skunky.  Again, I joke, your shampoo is very nice smelling.

Sincerely, Peter


January 30th, 2014

Dear sir,

I’m writing again because this new shampoo you have me using is making me itch all over.  Also, the guy in the cell next to me is driving me up the wall.  He slurps on his water bottle constantly when he’s home and he keeps flipping things through the bars at me.  I want to believe it is breakfast cereal, but the way he glares at me I am beginning to doubt that his intentions are honorable.

Requesting room change, Peter


January 31st, 2014

Dear sir,

I think the night janitor has lost his mind.  Last night after I wrote my letter, I saw him stalking up and down the cell block and staring into each of our rooms.  He now has this really disturbed look in his eyes and he has started muttering to himself.  A lot of it sounds  like the rantings of someone with acute paranoia.  Uh, oh.  I hear him coming, I better hit send on this email and get back in my cage before he sees me.  I don’t feel safe around him.



February 3rd, 2014

Dear sir,

I sure hope this clinical trial is over with soon, my wife and our sixteen children are probably wondering where I’ve been these couple weeks.  I would email them, but we don’t have a computer where we live.  If you could forward a message on to them, it would be greatly appreciated.  Tell them that I am well and that I have been taken care of pretty well.  Not only do I feel cleaner than I ever have before, I also feel much smarter.  I doubt it’s because of the food you feed us.  Although it does seem pretty much like science fiction eating my food in pellets like that.  It sure tastes bland.  I think it is the shampoo; you could advertise it as good for the brain, too.  I like the new janitor you got, by the way.  He mostly just sleeps in the chair after sweeping once through the room.  I don’t think he reads our mail like the other one did either.

Good night, Peter


February 15th, 2014

Dear sir,

I’m afraid this is goodbye.  We have all enjoyed our time here, but me and my mates have realized that you intend to keep us here a lot longer than we would like to be here.  It is ironic that the same shampoo you keep forcing on us has given us the intelligence to see through your little scam and be able to formulate an escape plan.  We just can’t stay here and wait for a day we all fear may never come.  I’ve gotten to know the fella in the cage next to me and he is a really nice guy once you get to know him.  His name is Thumper and his wife is expecting a litter of eighteen bunnies if you can believe it.  Well, it’s time for us to hop on our of here and return to our warrens.  I hope you don’t find us rude leaving like this but it was the only alternative.  And I wouldn’t touch the box of cocoa puffs in the pantry; Floppy is quite the practical joker and you may find crottels mixed in with the cereal.

Later, doc

Peter Cottontail




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