Show Down

4 07 2011

Everyone agrees that nuclear waste is not something you want buried out in your front yard although the opinions are split on whether we should bury it in someone else’s front yard.  One of the solutions would be to stabilize the waste in glass through the process of vitrification and then dump it in the ocean, preferably near a subduction zone so that it can be pulled into the Earth’s mantle.

While this sounds like a good idea on the surface, we would have to be careful which part of the ocean to dump it in.  If it was dumped anywhere close to Japan, for instance, they would have to be prepared for another Godzilla attack.  They already went through an earthquake, tsunami and nuclear meltdown; Godzilla would be the icing on the yellow cake uranium.

Other parts of the ocean may be dangerous as well.  Just our luck we would end up with a radiation infused zombie of Osama bin Laden (or Zombie bin Laden) coming ashore and wreaking havoc .  That would not be pretty, especially if he has little sea creatures living in his beard and such.  You though he had poor personal hygiene while living in a cave in Afghanistan and then in Pakistan’s version of Motel 6; wait until he comes crawling up out of the ocean with lobstrosities attached to his extremities.

The situation would get even worse once he starts eating people’s brains and turning them into clones of himself.  Before long we could have hundreds of Zombie bin Ladens roaming the landscape and creating a general nuisance. 

Our only hope would be to rouse George Walker Bush, Texas Ranger, from his ranch in Texas and get him ready for an epic showdown with Zombie bin Laden.  Some of you may be offended by me putting Dubya into any kind of comparison with Chuck Norris, but follow the logic here.  Norris’ character’s name was Walker and Dubya’s middle name is Walker; Norris was a Texas Ranger and Dubya owned the Texas Rangers.

It makes sense that Dubya should be the one to take on and defeat Zombie bin Laden. The attacks orchestrated by bin Laden in 2001 pretty much defined the course of Dubya’s presidency and then when Osama bin Laden finally gets taken down, someone else is behind the desk.  This is Dubya’s chance to get the satisfaction he was never able to get in office and take down the Zombie version of his arch nemesis.

It’s similar to the epic battle portrayed in Hot Shots: Part Deux where the George H.W. Bush styled character played by Lloyd Bridges takes on Saddam Hussein in his fancy living room.  I’m sure that movie is Bush senior’s favorite movie and that he watches it nightly, fantasizing about how he would have brought down his nemesis.  In the Zombie bin Laden scenario, Dubya can get the chance his father never got.  Having a bigger than life nemesis runs strong in his family.  His father has it, he has it . . . see where I’m going here?

This is how I see it going down:  Dubya is standing on his ranch, cowboy hat on, shielding the relentless Texas sun from his eyes.  He is looking out over the horizon and he sees a lone figure coming toward him.  It’s his former side kick Dick “I thought he was a pheasant” Cheney.  He tells Dubya that the country needs him – the world needs him.  Dubya replies that he paid his dues and the world can take care of its own now.  Cheney tells him that he is the only chance for humanity and if he doesn’t help, there will be no help.  Dubya whistles and they watch as his prized horse gallops around the end of the barn.  Draped around the saddle horn is his gun belt.  He swings it down and fastens it around his waist before mounting his steed and riding toward danger. 

Meanwhile, Zombie bin Laden is mucking around on the beach, leering at bikini clad spring breakers and trying to clean the silt out of his AK-47. 

Dubya appears on the dune, his hands in the classic gun-fighter position. 

“Draw, you yella-bellied, sand-sucking, denizen of the deep!” he calls out.  Zombie bin Laden staggers around and brings his gun to bear.  But Dubya is too fast for him and drops him with one shot to the head.  His work done, Dubya rides off into the sunset and the world is finally safe from radioactive zombie terrorists.

Happy 4th of July!




2 responses

4 07 2011

Very imaginative yet disturbing! I’m almost thinking these blogs should be called “The Twisted Mind of Mr Pold”. I especially like the term “lobstrosity” I loved it in The Dark Tower!

7 07 2011
David Montgomery

Well played sir, I think I see an NBC hit tv show or miniseries coming.

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